Soundtrack

There are a very few songs I hear that could be the soundtrack to my life. I'm talking about the kind of music that when you hear it, no matter what you are doing, you want to close your eyes and imagine what your life would be like if you could do anything at that moment... what is the perfect day? What would you want playing in your helmet if you were on a motorcycle crossing Ireland? If you were having one of those "commercial" moments- rolling in the leaves with your kids, laughing and swinging them up over your head- what would be the music playing in the background?
I remember in college my best friend and roomate would wake up to the Somewhere in Time soundtrack- that was her music, her life. I never really understood her passion for it, but I would gladly play it for her because I understood how meaningful and personal our chosen life soundtrack is.
I was recently making a playlist for my husband's morning run. I was surprised when he told me it didn't matter about the beat or tempo- that's all that matters when I am running. He wanted music that made him want to fly, to live, to breathe deeply. He wanted "soundtrack" music. It was quite a task to choose music for someone else's track- I felt a huge and holy responsibility... sounds weird, I'm sure. When he returned from his run, he said that I had done well.

I am very moved by a song called, "Needle and Thread" by Sleeping at Last. I read about this song in one of my favorite books, "Cold Tangerines" and bought it immediately. I haven't quite figured out all the lyrics yet- meaning I can't belt it out as if I am the one on stage. But when I hear it I want to squeeze my kids and feel the wind in my hair. I want to be in the car with the windows down, going somewhere and looking forward to the next day. I feel a fullness and contentment. I feel closer to heaven.
I have been struggling to know what my purpose in life is. Why am I here and what am I suppose to be doing? A good friend reassured me a couple of weeks ago with "You, my dear, are a perfect example of being "fearfully and wonderfully made." Your problem is that you've been given so many talents that you feel like you are wasting them when they go unused for a time. They are really just dormant for now while you do God's really important work, which is raising a child who loves God (3 of them!)and loving your fireman. You are doing so well with the tasks God has given to you, and any discouragement you feel is not from God. " Thanks, girlfriend.
I have to remind myself that my life is a book. And like any book, there are chapters. I am in the middle of one of those chapters all about the other characters- shall I call it Character Development? Although I would like to say it's all about my kids and thier character, I have a feeling that when I am on the other side, it will be my character that has been developed.

I have recently come to some conclusions. I am suppose to sing and make music. I need it. I want it. I long for it. I don't feel like I need the performance as much as the sweat and preparation and passion. I don't need it like I need a hobby. I need it like I need air to breathe. I am not in it for the checklist of skills and accomplishment of learning another song. No, I want to throw myself in to feeling my body and heart and spirit singing for joy and love.
With that said, I am not able to begin a new chapter right now. I have to finish up this chapter before moving forward to the next one. So I need to pray for patience and timing and the continuation of great "soundtrack" music to come and fill my speakers and my house and my heart and life.