Friends Forever

How many close friends can one person have? How many kindred spirits? How many soul mates?
I don't have the answer to this one. But when I try to count my friends on my hands, I run out of fingers.

I think of those who I have history with... who knew me when I had bad skin and 90's hair. I think of those who were at those milestones- recitals, graduations, marriage, births, moves. Outside of family, I am blessed to have three very close friends from as far back as high school and college days. It's good to have them to help me measure and keep perspective. I admit that I am not the best at keeping in touch. Time and distance can create a space too difficult to cover and the intimacy ebbs and flows. I thank them for tracking me and forcing me not to let go. They forgive me for forgetting their birthdays and anniversaries and I love them all the more for the grace they extend. It's the history that makes those relationships great and comfortable and safe. They have loved me through the ugly and beautiful. I can count on them when times are hard and days are dark. I can hold them in close intimacy because they are a constant. What we have is sacred.

I have friends in other parts of the country. Friends so many miles away and yet, they feel near. I know I could appear one day and all would go as if I had never left. Life creeps in and gets in the way and staying in touch and talking daily just isn't possible. And so I would like to take this opportunity to tell them now, if you think I have forgotten you and moved on, you are desperately wrong. I don't move on. I am here and aching for you and what we had. I miss our laughs and cries and joys and sorrows. I think of rainy days and junk food and Sesame Street and Sopranos. I remember job losses and miscarriages, depressions and illnesses. I miss hugs and habits and standing dates. These precious, sweet moments are held with fondness and won't be easily erased from memory.

When we moved to Tulsa, I felt a huge gap open up in my heart. I left deep running connections and I cried in earnest every day feeling overwhelming emptiness and grief. Gradually the crying spells became weekly, then monthly, and slowly I formed new connections. I am such a social person and quickly get attached. So here I am, three years later with a full plate and full heart again. My life is better because of the move. Perhaps it's in leaving that you find the realization of what you had. I can't wait to get back to Seattle. I think of it everyday, like the city itself is a good friend. It was. It is filled with unsurpassed beauty and food and coolness. And when I think of Seattle I imagine all the faces of friends and family waiting on us. It is home.

I have a confession: it would be with a heavy heart that I would move. I never wanted to love Tulsa; it was only a temporary landing place. But here are friends who have stolen my heart. Here is a fellowship and kinship unlike anything I have had before. It's an unconditional acceptance and support system.

I have definitely been hurt and learned lessons and had water run under my bridge. Although I struggle with getting over the hurt, I think I am stronger and have my eyes open wide and I am proceeding with caution. You live and learn, you fall down and get back up. I wish I could say I handle difficult situations with grace and love, but I don't. I wrestle and wrangle and stew and steam. I wonder all the time if it was me or them? I place the blame and then pick it back up and lug it around. I am not good at moving on. I am genuine and true; test me and you will know. Like I said before, I don't move on- so that means I am just left behind. There's the mystery. Sometimes I wonder if my coolness wore off? Or once she got to know me, there just wasn't enough to hold on to? Maybe I just wasn't worth it.
I digress.

I love girlfriends. There just isn't anything like having a good girlfriend. I am an open book and the book isn't always clean and it's rarely predictable. I am, what shall I say, unstable? I am like a roller coaster- sometimes I think I thrive on chaos- which is exactly NOT who I want to be. Thank God I have friends who are willing to come along for a ride with me. I am blessed beyond measure with friends who will support me, and through that support, stabilize me.

I found a friend not long ago who was just like me. I am quirky and eclectic and rarely find someone who shares my tastes. I have an turquoise ironing board for a table in my living room, for goodness sake. So when I walked in to her house and coveted everything in there, I knew I had stumbled on a kindred spirit. She was so vivacious and creative and it was a guarantee that she could pick out anything and I would want it. It was so fun to share and talk and brainstorm and exchange hilarities- until it wasn't. Isn't it funny when relationships just don't work out? And it always takes me by surprise- like a stalking cat sneaking up and attacking your leg. I was stunned and lamented over the shame and waste of it. I thought we were meant to be together.

I have three "older" friends. These women are not necessarily old enough to be my mom, but definitely not a product of my generation. They are mentors and significant contributors to who I am and who I am growing to be. I love them with a love I reserve for family. They are substitute-moms. I call them for advice and counsel and although they speak the truth at all times, it is always in love and with sincerity. They take me and love me just as I am. They hold me accountable and tell me when I am wrong. They don't ask more of me than I can give and understand I am trying my best. I am accepted, not for who they I hope I am or think I might, one day, become.
Because of their presence and influence, I am a better wife and mother, friend and sister, woman and individual. When I am in a confusing situation, I imagine what they would do if they were in my shoes. I don't always take the route I think they would choose because I am stubborn; they are infinitely more wise and generous. They extend grace and love and forgiveness more easily and quickly than I can tie my shoelaces. When I ponder who I am and what I want to be, I think of them and pray that I will be half of who they are: strong, beautiful, open, spirited, generous, wise, Godly women. Oh, I would be lost without them. They are a silent force I lean on and lean in to when the world falls in and I don't think I can take one more step. They are always ready with a pot of hot tea and time to sit at their table and listen with honesty and love. I can cry and they aren't frightened- they just hug me and stand me back up on feet, whispering blessings and encouragement over me. They know. They have been there. I feel so one-sided in these relationships- like a moocher. There is nothing I can possibly give back worthy of being called reciprocation. All I can give is myself and, as shocking as it is, they seem satisfied.

So here's to friends. Good friends. Friends that stick to you like bubble gum on the bottom of your favorite shoe. Thank you for loving and accepting me, just as I am.