Monday, May 10, 2010

this day

I will be patient.
I will open my windows, even if that means I have to wear a sweater.
I will go for a walk.
I will read my bible.
I will pray.
I will be thankful for spending the day with the kids.
I will listen to soothing music.
I will drink lots of water.
I will pick up my new book at the library.
I will take a shower and brush my teeth.
I will make my bed.
I will lay down for 20 minutes of quiet.
I will do all the laundry with a joyful heart.
I will visit all four rooms of my house.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I have been aching to write again. I wish I was a writer. I would love to have something interesting and captivating to write about. Instead, all I can do is nestle in to my keyboard and screen and pour my guts out. I don't know if anyone will read it, but maybe that's safer.

The last months have been up and down. Life has picked up the pace and I can't see around the next corner. In times of great uncertainty, I tend to be very, very hard on myself. And the cycle begins: I have no control in my life so my thoughts turn inward, my insecurity manifests itself as anger and my temper boils over. And I think it all comes down to fear. Fear that takes hold of my heart and hardens it. My patience wears thin too quickly, my mouth opens and my kids take the brunt of my rage and feelings of instability. And I clean. And I clean. And I clean. And I make my kids clean. And clean. And clean.

The voice in my head tells me how unworthy I am. How unloved. My eyes remind me how fat I am. My back and feet ache from a thankless job. I feel lonely for the fireman. I need his arms around me more often and his warm body next to mine when I wake up. I need my friends to have more time to be together for no reason. I need laughter.
I need to know I am loved.
As I am.

I came across a new song. It's been playing in a loop now for about 2 hours. I hope to know it by heart by hour 3. The lyrics caught me and I choked with tears.

Your Beloved.
Because I'm your beloved,
Your creation,
And you love me as I am.
You've called me,
Chosen for your Kingdom;
Unashamed to call me your own.
I'm your beloved.

I think the ongoing struggle in my heart is this: feelings of insecurity about being loved. I think I am one of those people who is easy to be friends with, and then easy to leave. I am interesting and funny and creative and fun-loving, and also ordinary in so many ways that the newness quickly wears off and all that's left is me. just me.
And I don't know that I deserve love. I'm selfish. Quick to anger. I don't love myself well.

And here's the irony...
My name, AMY, means beloved.

How crazy is that?

1. greatly loved; dear to the heart 2. a person who is greatly loved.

God is laughing now.
I smile just thinking that He has quite the sense of humor. My biggest insecurity and He has power over it. Power to cause my parents to name me, while still in the womb. A name for this moment. Waited for me to put two and two together. A reminder of how great He is. How He knows my heart and my thoughts, my fears, my struggles. My days were written before even ONE came to be. That means He knew today and every day before that I have cried over feelings of being unloved. My name, Amy, is in His book. He is listening to me because I am His beloved. I am dear to His heart. I am a person who is not just a little bit loved, but GREATLY loved. I am chosen. He isn't ashamed of me. He hasn't disowned me.
He loved me.
He loves me.
As I am.

Thank you God.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


so here's the scoop.
big stuff first...
Jack and daddy returned from a two day trip to Shriner's Children's Hospital in St Louis this last Friday night. The report was good. The doctors were pleased with his joints and range of motion. They didn't see any inflammation in the knees or feet and this is good, good news. Although I was hoping to be given the ok to take Jack completely off of meds, we were told to lose only one of the last two. I am definitely pleased about this, but secretly was a little disappointed. Because JRA can move into the eyes, Jack is checked regularly by an opthamologist. Surprisingly, they did find inflammation in Jack's right eye. We were given a prescription for eye drops and must check in with a local eye doctor within a week to check for progress. My momma heart broke just a little when Daddy called with the news, but he was very encouraging and feels, after speaking with the doctors, that this is going to be completely healed.

Overall good.

Fireman status: as of a few weeks ago we thought he was going to lose his fireman job. bummer. The negotiations between Mayor and Union had been going on for some time and we knew it was a possibility. However, when it comes down to it... it's a different story. I know we would be fine. I know our God is mighty and faithful to us. But with all that was going on that week, I felt my ankles being pulled into a quicksand of gloom. That same week, we were burglarized. Perhaps the most violating experience of my life. Someone was in my house. Uninvited. Stole my stuff. Rummaged through my cabinets and drawers. Left mud and glass all over the house. Left my back door open all day. And I have to say, I was mad. I was ready for them to come back and let me take the crowbar they so thougthfully left behind, to their knees and other precious bits. They took my computer, aka my lifeline, and my new guitar the fireman gave me for Christmas. I lost a lot of sleep and cried for days. bitterness. unease. broken. frustration. frightened. desperation. All good words to describe my feelings. Yes, they stole my joy and my security (and my photos and music library).

But here's the goodness...
My mother stepped in to show her love and offered us a computer.
My friend gave me her old, beautiful guitar.
I got a random check in the mail for a 401K I had been paying into all year at the Gap (unknowingly) and it covered the replacement of the computer.

And Calvin still has his job.

How good is that?
very, very good.

So we are living out life in Tulsa, OK. Still trying to discern what's next for us. But in the meantime, life is sweet and good.

valentine's gift for my fireman

please wipe the drool from your face. I know. I know. It is gorgeous. And more importantly, it was delicious.
He's a lucky, lucky man, isn't he?

at it again

I am home.
I am cooking again.
I am doing laundry on a regular basis.
I am making granola and baking bread again.

I am also going a little stir crazy with the cold, wet weather forcing us indoors for days at a time.
I am needing a way to explode NOT on the kids.
I am going to pick up my pen, or rather, my cordless keyboard, and start writing again.
I need it.
The kids need it too.
Hi everyone. I'm back!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

hookin' it up

I am going to try to move my blog to my new website...

follow me there

Thursday, June 25, 2009