last day

last day here in nowheresville. I am so happy to be packing up to head home, although I know we will have so much to do this weekend. It's Halloween and we are partying with friends. It's also school day on Friday... big day. Calvin works on Saturday and we have an Open House on Sunday.
I can just see the house explosion about to happen. Bags everywhere, kids excited to pull out every toy they haven't seen in 3 weeks, no food to speak of. But I have packed clean clothes to go home with and we have a few left overs I think we will take along for the ride.

We have so many cool friends who are totally on the ball. I look and listen to their lives and feel like I have missed something along the way. People are so pulled together, financially stable, active, pursuing dreams and having fun. I feel like we are stuck in a rut so much of the time. Trying to get ahead and stay afloat in the meantime.

While pondering all of these things, I bake cookies. I have a new favorite recipe, Dark Chocolate Oatmeal. They are divine and I can hardly wait for them to cool before shovelling them into my mouth. I am an eater. I eat to feel happy or just better. I love chocolate and I love underbaked cookies. So today I am self-medicating.

Funny, how I am confessing this today of all days. This morning I had a long conversation (long in 4 year-old terms) with Poppy about "nervous eating". She had recently seen a preview for Chicken Little and she and her sister had been quoting two lines out of the trailer for days, cracking themselves up. I wondered if she understood what she was saying. And no, of course not. We talked about what it means to be a nervous eater, or drinker, or shopper, or anything that might replace God as our sustainer and comforter. She seems to get it more than I do (as I take another bite of chocolate deliciousness...)

Oh- and news flash**** Jack said four words together! A whole sentence!! Wow!!! I thought I would never hear the words!!!!! I quote him, "I saw a truck." Excellent. We are moving forward finally.

more cookies coming out, must run.

Middle of Nowheresville

I am going on day 15 out here in seclusion. The outside world is still jostling along at a very fast pace, and our days are drifting. Time seems to slow here. I look out the window at the water and leaves falling and I feel relaxed and quieted.

I am also ready to crawl back into my nest and settle in. It is difficult to be displaced with small children. We have had a few casualties while here: a broken picture frame, some lamps falling over, drinks spilling, and I feel more anxious than normal since these are not my things.

The stillness and solitude is startling. I realize how loud life can be and it brings me back to my core to have nothing to do and no one to talk to. My cell phone doesn't work out here and I feel bad to make long distance calls. So aside from emergencies, my social life, however small it is, is put on hold.

Could I live out here permanently? I don't know. If I had a cottage to do as I wanted and a girlfriend nearby to visit with and hang with, craft with and school with, I think I could. But I am a talker and with no one over 6 years old, days can become quite lonely. However, I have enjoyed the escape and retreat from normal life and feel ready to tackle the chaos when we return home.

I feel very out of touch with almost everyone. It's been a strange and busy Fall season for our family. My trip to Scotland, homeschooling, teaching art classes, and preparing for craft shows has eaten spare time and sucked away my usual visiting hours and time set aside for hospitality. We rarely make it to church, don't meet with our small group, sleep very little, and still, have a to do list a mile long.

I am looking for ways to simplify, to scale down, to organize my time and build routine. We are a family of sponteneaty and I think that's why I feel out of control so much of the time which leads to feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed. I am trying to be better at cutting myself some slack. I am working on realizing I do a lot of unnecessary things. So now I need to move into days of structure where I feel a sense of accomplishment, having found time for things that are important.

ideas anyone??

Nashville Star

Here is a huge shout out to my awesome sister, Brooke, who was just named "Best of Nashville" in the children's cake division. She is an incredibly talented artist, extremely hard worker, and devoted mother to a fiesty two-year old, who is teaching snotty-nosed three year olds by day and slaving in the kitchen at night, whipping out amazing and delicious creations unlike any I've seen before.
I always make the mistake of calling her the night before one of the kid's birthdays and asking her for ideas for their cake. She easily tosses out 5 million suggestions and I always end up crying. It is so interesting how some things come naturally to some and so totally disastrous to others.... My kids all beg for Aunt Brooke's cakes and it's difficult to explain why she just can't swing by the party, cake in hand. Oh how I wish she could!

I copied the review/article written about her cakes in the Nashville Scene Magazine:

Best Kids' Birthday-Cake Designer
Brooke O'Dell, Ice This
If you ever have a child in school with Brooke O'Dell's kid, heed this warning: Never, ever go head-to-head with Brooke over a homemade birthday cake. No matter what double-chocolate Diego or red velvet Spiderman you bake, it will not be as delicious or as creative as hers, and will just waste time and egg yolks on something that comes so naturally and happily to Brooke that you should have asked her to make your cake in the first place. Buttercream, fondant and whimsy are the tools of her decadent trade, and the end result is an edible work of art. —CARRINGTON FOX

I can't find the picture of the cake, but you'll know it when you see it. It's a Matisse... yea, that Matisse. The famous French artist who's works sell for millions. Too bad Brooke's cakes aren't selling for millions.... yet.

I love you little sis. Proud of you! Remember me when you are famous!

http://www.nashvillescene.com/bestof/2008/award/best-kids-birthday-cake-designer-87630/

homemade

I am queen of homemade gifts. I enjoy giving gifts and when I can delight someone with something made by my own hands, it is extremely satisfying.
I recently read a friend's blog who was pushing for a "$100 Holiday", or something similar. It gave me the idea to blog about what I make, or have made, for friends and family through the years. God knows we live on a tight budget. Our gifts are simple and inexpensive, more out of necessity than desire. God also knows the tantrums I have when I wait until the last minute to make everyone in the family a tree skirt... it's not pretty.

So here are a few ideas to "cheap out" your Christmas giving. I hand over these ideas a bit unwillingly. Selfishly, I like to think I am the only one who has had these great ideas. I also like the illusion that I came up with all of them alone. But my good friends know that I am a follower of Martha, an avid reader of craft books and magazines (so much that I actually take photos of pictures in books), a lover of retro things, and shameless copier.
most of these ideas are relatively inexpensive, but require time. I will try to give a ROUGH estimated cost for materials... assuming you have to buy everything.

$2-3 love sacs (9x7 fabric bags filled with rice, rosemary, and lavendar and sown closed. You can freeze them or heat them in the microwave to warm toes or beds.)
$.50 mini love sacs (same as above except much smaller to fit inside coat pockets to warm up little hands)
$4 bean bag game (fabric bag holding 10 small bean bags- 5 in one fabric and 5 in another)
$3 crayon holders (fabric rolls or aprons to keep crayons organized)
$6 Tutus- little tulle ballerina skirts
$1-2.50 magic wands- dowel rod with a decoration on top or even ribbon attached- decorated however you choose
$10-12 tree skirts- I have done patchwork (great use offabric scraps or felt)
$5-6 table runners- felt with holiday scene- my sister gave me one and I love it!
$2-10 (make a bunch at a time) hair clips, bows, neclaces
$3-12 Books read aloud and burn to cd- give them both. I buy a bunch of books for not much at our local goodwill. Most of them are near perfect shape.
$4-7 paper mache or wooden boxes from hobby lobby- paint them or modge podge them.
$2-3 recycled formula, pringles, peanut cardboard tins... get three coordinating papers, but them to fit three diffent size tins, hot glue them on and label them as "save, spend, and share", cut a small slit in the lid and voila! a great money management lesson for small chldren.
picture blocks- no details on this one as many will get them this year. I will take pictures later of the finished products
$.50 tooth fairy pillows
$2 embroidered tea towels
varies homemade jams, salsas, breads, treats, cookies, breads... anything!
$3-4 bookmarks- pretty ribbons with a silver charm attached.
$5-6 aprons- choose a fabulous fabric and get to cutting. attache ribbon for neck and waist ties.
$2 snow globes- recycled glass jars, small ornaments, water, glycerin, and glitter...

that's all I can think of for now... I know the list sounds overwhelming for those of you who are none-sewers. But, I rarely use anything other than a straight stitch and have never installed a zipper or button hole. More people than you think have a sewing machine sitting idle somewhere in their catch-all rooms and probably wouldn't mind your borrowing it. And most of us have someone in our lives who sews or quilts... raid their fabric scraps and save even more money.
If you don't paint, don't sew, don't worry. You can still use a glue gun and that will allow you to do a ton!

I will try to upload pics of some of these soon. Until then, please share your ideas too. I love a good craft. Felt is my friend- and chocolate too.

update

so many things have happened in the last month. Back from Scotland. wonderful.
completed my first craft show. exhausting. and now I am out at my in-laws house as they have left the country and we are the hired house sitters. very official.

I have been crafting and crafting and as I work, my mind spins. lots to say. my spirit is weary, but in a good way. I have been creating and working and while my fingers are busy, my back aching, I am thinking through what my spirit is whispering in my heart.

I have been brought to my knees many times this last month, over joy and sadness. There is a lot of both out there, swirling and sloshing about. I think of my own sorrows and how it is rooted itself in my thoughts and moods. There are many dark days, filled with unknowns and doubts. I think of what prayers have been offered and what tears have spilled down my cheeks and I wonder where God is when I need Him. So many people have so many opinions: foods to avoid, supplements to take, scriptures to post all through my house and say aloud over Jack; prayers to pray and saints to hang in his room. Thanks for all the advice. But really, I am weary of it. It just adds to my frustration and feelings of guilt. What have I done or not done that would have brought healing to my baby? I know people mean well, but it seems absurd to me to offer advice like this to a mother who has prayed the prayers and read the scriptures and already wonders why I don't hear answers and see wholeness. There are times I wonder if his troubles and God's lack of intervention in the way I request is a test for me, or a punishment. My sins have fallen on my child, unfairly.
This situation recalls the feelings I had growing up. I heard that that my salvation isn't a result of my good works, yet I lived in mortal fear of damnation because of my imperfections. As if my salvation would be yanked from me because I ran a stop sign or called my sister a name. That because I made a screw up, God was just waiting to pounce and throw me into the fire. That I would be punished, even today, for my sins committed yesterday. And if I could pull myself together and live blamelessly, I would be granted favor and rewards.
enough of this for now.

Jack is doing better. He is walking. He is running and he is jumping. He tires on long walks and his feet are stiff in the evenings. He is still highly medicated. He still needs prayers, reminding God of a precious, blonde-headed pistol who needs his body freed from arthritis.