I know there are so many things I should be doing... my 3 kids are busy doing no telling what, I am trying to cook dinner, do laundry, and pick up the house and all I want to do is sit down and be alone. But the constant "mama" from the other room draws me back to reality. I am tired of being a housewife and mother today. I am overwhelmed with messes and diaperchanges and tattling and silliness. I want a clean, organized house with space and time for me to be alone and do what I want to do.
I am torn between two worlds- alone and lonely and surrounded and over-stimulated.
I am exhausted.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
how to be a great mom
I think I am going to write a book. I am going to call it, "How to be a great mom". Now I don't want to mislead anyone with the title- I have no idea how to be a great mom. Most days I am trying to keep "scary mom" in the closet. But I do have a circle of friends who are amazing mentors and mothers and who, in times of great distress and desperation, generously share their secrets.
Have you ever thought about how unfair it is that when we deliver these bundles of joy we don't recieve a manual of any kind to go along with them? Just because I can create this little person is in no way an indicator that I am fit to care for this child. I remember the panic I felt when we were discharged from the hospital with our first baby. What was I suppose to do? Are they kidding? The only thing you are going to check is if I have my car seat installed semi-correctly? I could hardly walk, much less take care of an infant who screamed most of the time. What language was she speaking anyway- nothing I recognized!?
Although life has changed dramatically since the little miss was born, it doesn't seem to get easier. I reflect on the infant stage as easy compared to the battle of wills our little cruise director can maintain.
So here goes... I am going to work up chapter one and post it soon.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
on a roll
I am impressed with myself. This is day three and I am setting a personal record in my "journaling" life.
I read an article called "Confessions of a mommy blogger" and everything clicked as to why people blog. I was always baffled when I found another friend had logged on. What was the appeal and how and why do you find the time for this? But this quote caught me by surprise: "I read blogs to feel I'm a part of something larger, a whole world of other women raising children on this crazy, spinning planet." And this one, "Being a parent is so frustratingly difficult and blindingly beautiful at the same time. Blogs remind me to celebrate the beautiful and that I'm not alone in the difficult."
I have been wounded by friendships this last year and am feeling guarded. I guess it's nice to have this blog to explode on and not have to open myself in vulnerability.
Starting this journey has opened my eyes to the world around me. I feel that I am a relatively creative person. BUT when I read others' blogs and see what the world is doing- I am just pretty underwhelming! Thank you world! I feel inspired, even after an exhausting day.
I read an article called "Confessions of a mommy blogger" and everything clicked as to why people blog. I was always baffled when I found another friend had logged on. What was the appeal and how and why do you find the time for this? But this quote caught me by surprise: "I read blogs to feel I'm a part of something larger, a whole world of other women raising children on this crazy, spinning planet." And this one, "Being a parent is so frustratingly difficult and blindingly beautiful at the same time. Blogs remind me to celebrate the beautiful and that I'm not alone in the difficult."
I have been wounded by friendships this last year and am feeling guarded. I guess it's nice to have this blog to explode on and not have to open myself in vulnerability.
Starting this journey has opened my eyes to the world around me. I feel that I am a relatively creative person. BUT when I read others' blogs and see what the world is doing- I am just pretty underwhelming! Thank you world! I feel inspired, even after an exhausting day.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
another day
just another day in my life. I have been thinking so much lately about the misfortunes of my friends. Why do these downers always come in multiples? I do not understand all the ins and outs of their issues and trials, but I know they don't deserve this unfair fight.
I think the emptiness I feel right now is in some ways related to the issues of friends, the pain and discomfort of loved ones, and my own baggage that follows me through my days. I don't have an outlet to sweat out the small things so they become monsters lurking in dark corners, waiting for the mood to take a dive and then pounce on the downward spiral. Why these huge gaps in my personality? Where did the skeletons come from? Why do I always beat myself up and feel dissatisfied with who I am and who I am not?
My eldest has so many questions about everything. Some of them are tiring, but a lot of them astound me!
Where does Jesus live?
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?
How can you be everywhere?
Why did you harden Pharoah's heart and then punish him for disobeying your commands? Will you kill me if my mommy disobeys like you killed Pharoah's boy?
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything…
Simply Jesus- what does that little catch phrase mean anyway??
Jesus- a powerful name with an even more powerful associated imagery. As I think about think this today, I imagined the heavens opening up and Jesus calling me to him. What would I say to him if I could see him face to face? Jesus… who knows me inside and out. Who knows my motivations, my thoughts, my heart aches, worries, joys, and my insecurities. He sees beneath the layers I put up to protect myself. He would strip me instantly down to the core- leaving me open and vulnerable, with no place to hide- but no need to hide either. I can be completely authentic with Him with no fear of being hurt. Surrounded by his glory, what would my heart feel? Would I dance or in awe of him be still? Would I stand in his presence or would I fall to my knees? Would I have my wits about me enough to join in with the angels and sing hallelujah- would I be able to speak at all?
I know that I have questions tucked down that I would like to whip out at the appropriate moment. I will share a few of my own thoughts and some I have borrowed… these may not apply to you at all- you might imagine this scenario completely different. You may have anger to bring to Jesus- or hurt, unbelief, failure, guilt, resentment, joy, relief. But here are a few of my thoughts and questions...
Why do so few of the millions of prayers for physical healing get answered?
Why do you allow children to be hurt? Why are they born with illnesses and physical disabilities? Why is my brother mentally disabled and not me?
Why are there so many unwanted babies when there are so many desperate people praying for pregnancies?
I’ve heard a lot of “theories” on the whole fossil thing and evolution. Did you put all this evidence here to confuse us? If so, why?
Why are so many bad people blessed financially?
Why did you give men a life-long desire for beautiful women? Is it just a test of our will and monogamy? Why do 20 year olds desire the same voluptuous women of childbearing age as 30,40,50, and 100-year-old men? Was it to ensure the propagation of the human race? But, doesn’t this cause men to stray and covet thy neighbor’s wife?
What about genocide? Why do you allow innocent people to die these horrific deaths?
Why do you let your faithful servants suffer?
What about the Hindus? The Muslims? The Buddhists? Why was I so lucky to born in America’s Bible Belt to grow up in church and know you before I even had a choice?
Where are you when I look for you? Why can’t I see you clearly when I am seeking to know you more? You promised that if I seek I will find…
How can you hear so many prayers at once? And do you really care if my car is broken down, I have lost my job, I am upset over a relationship when there is persecution and war going on in other parts of the world? My troubles must seem so insignificant to you- am I just wasting my breath?
What do you want with me? A sinner such as me?
I confess to you that I am unworthy. I am so very sinful that I am shamed. I am so often struggling with unbelief that I don’t feel like I should be allowed in your presence. Do you laugh at me as I laugh at my child's behavior? If you know the inner secrets of my heart; is your heart broken over my feelings of guilt and incompetency? Are you tired of me asking for another chance? I feel like you must be frustrated with me… I can only beg for mercy and grace- both of which I know you have granted before I thought to ask. Jesus, please allow me to see your nail scarred hands. Please let me know that you love me for who I am and not for who I might become. Thank you Lord for your forgiveness- washing before me. Jesus, you are my heartache healer, my secret keeper, my friend… shepherd, savior, pasture maker, Creator and life sustainer, comforter, healer, my redeemer, lord and king, beginning and the end.
I have to imagine that I would feel that it would be better to see the Lion, our Lord, and die than to be the King of the world and live and not to have seen Him.
I imagine that He would breathe upon me and take away the trembling from my limbs and cause me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he wouldn’t say much but that we should meet again, and I must go further up and further in….
But not today. On this day, I can only say the words and go through the motions. I am numb. I am alone. I wonder where You are and realize I have disregarded my faith and become wrapped in my own troubles and sorrows. I am going at it alone. Why do I choose this? Why can't I let myself go and believe? What would happen if I did?
I don't know. All I know is: I can't today.
I think the emptiness I feel right now is in some ways related to the issues of friends, the pain and discomfort of loved ones, and my own baggage that follows me through my days. I don't have an outlet to sweat out the small things so they become monsters lurking in dark corners, waiting for the mood to take a dive and then pounce on the downward spiral. Why these huge gaps in my personality? Where did the skeletons come from? Why do I always beat myself up and feel dissatisfied with who I am and who I am not?
My eldest has so many questions about everything. Some of them are tiring, but a lot of them astound me!
Where does Jesus live?
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?
How can you be everywhere?
Why did you harden Pharoah's heart and then punish him for disobeying your commands? Will you kill me if my mommy disobeys like you killed Pharoah's boy?
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything…
Simply Jesus- what does that little catch phrase mean anyway??
Jesus- a powerful name with an even more powerful associated imagery. As I think about think this today, I imagined the heavens opening up and Jesus calling me to him. What would I say to him if I could see him face to face? Jesus… who knows me inside and out. Who knows my motivations, my thoughts, my heart aches, worries, joys, and my insecurities. He sees beneath the layers I put up to protect myself. He would strip me instantly down to the core- leaving me open and vulnerable, with no place to hide- but no need to hide either. I can be completely authentic with Him with no fear of being hurt. Surrounded by his glory, what would my heart feel? Would I dance or in awe of him be still? Would I stand in his presence or would I fall to my knees? Would I have my wits about me enough to join in with the angels and sing hallelujah- would I be able to speak at all?
I know that I have questions tucked down that I would like to whip out at the appropriate moment. I will share a few of my own thoughts and some I have borrowed… these may not apply to you at all- you might imagine this scenario completely different. You may have anger to bring to Jesus- or hurt, unbelief, failure, guilt, resentment, joy, relief. But here are a few of my thoughts and questions...
Why do so few of the millions of prayers for physical healing get answered?
Why do you allow children to be hurt? Why are they born with illnesses and physical disabilities? Why is my brother mentally disabled and not me?
Why are there so many unwanted babies when there are so many desperate people praying for pregnancies?
I’ve heard a lot of “theories” on the whole fossil thing and evolution. Did you put all this evidence here to confuse us? If so, why?
Why are so many bad people blessed financially?
Why did you give men a life-long desire for beautiful women? Is it just a test of our will and monogamy? Why do 20 year olds desire the same voluptuous women of childbearing age as 30,40,50, and 100-year-old men? Was it to ensure the propagation of the human race? But, doesn’t this cause men to stray and covet thy neighbor’s wife?
What about genocide? Why do you allow innocent people to die these horrific deaths?
Why do you let your faithful servants suffer?
What about the Hindus? The Muslims? The Buddhists? Why was I so lucky to born in America’s Bible Belt to grow up in church and know you before I even had a choice?
Where are you when I look for you? Why can’t I see you clearly when I am seeking to know you more? You promised that if I seek I will find…
How can you hear so many prayers at once? And do you really care if my car is broken down, I have lost my job, I am upset over a relationship when there is persecution and war going on in other parts of the world? My troubles must seem so insignificant to you- am I just wasting my breath?
What do you want with me? A sinner such as me?
I confess to you that I am unworthy. I am so very sinful that I am shamed. I am so often struggling with unbelief that I don’t feel like I should be allowed in your presence. Do you laugh at me as I laugh at my child's behavior? If you know the inner secrets of my heart; is your heart broken over my feelings of guilt and incompetency? Are you tired of me asking for another chance? I feel like you must be frustrated with me… I can only beg for mercy and grace- both of which I know you have granted before I thought to ask. Jesus, please allow me to see your nail scarred hands. Please let me know that you love me for who I am and not for who I might become. Thank you Lord for your forgiveness- washing before me. Jesus, you are my heartache healer, my secret keeper, my friend… shepherd, savior, pasture maker, Creator and life sustainer, comforter, healer, my redeemer, lord and king, beginning and the end.
I have to imagine that I would feel that it would be better to see the Lion, our Lord, and die than to be the King of the world and live and not to have seen Him.
I imagine that He would breathe upon me and take away the trembling from my limbs and cause me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he wouldn’t say much but that we should meet again, and I must go further up and further in….
But not today. On this day, I can only say the words and go through the motions. I am numb. I am alone. I wonder where You are and realize I have disregarded my faith and become wrapped in my own troubles and sorrows. I am going at it alone. Why do I choose this? Why can't I let myself go and believe? What would happen if I did?
I don't know. All I know is: I can't today.
Monday, February 4, 2008
first things first
hmmmmm.... not sure where to begin. I think I start every journal/diary with that exact phrase. Where do I begin? I wish I knew. If only I had been better at keeping a journal of my life and then I could just pick up where I left off last time. But I haven't- so there's the predicament.
To begin with, at 33 years old, I am a mom of 3 beautiful children. It is kind of a love/exasperation relationship. Somedays I am so enraptured I can hardly make it through the day without crying with joy. Other days I cry out for deliverance from my crazy, out of control life. I have a hard time not having control. I think it must be a struggle that all moms deal with. Honestly, where is the fun in life if you are in control all the time?
OK- getting back to the basics here.... I live in Tulsa, OK and am happily married to a beautiful, beautiful man. We moved here 3 years ago from Seattle, WA and I think I left part of my heart there. I have felt a lonely ache for "home" since our departure. Life just seemed real and genuine there. That isn't to say it was perfect or easy- NO way! It was very difficult a lot of the time. But it grew us and stretched us and opened our eyes to our world.
I have been married 10 years now. Mr T says we are like bacteria- we keep multiplying. I think we have stopped that now and are so happy with our little family.
From the outside in, my life is pretty perfect. I live in the U.S. which is a big plus. I enjoy freedoms, leisure, variety, faith, and food. But from the inside out, I have lost myself along the way. Some days I just feel totally desolate, like a wanderer who can't remember home. Where did I go? Who am I? What is my life about?
I think as I have watched many of my friends enter the life of blogging, and have read their real life stories only told honestly in the world of the web, it has inspired me to take my search and blog it out. Soul search online. I am anonymous and me all at the same time.
So here it is...first things first. I have no ideas, I am stumped. BUT I am going to figure it out... this is my first step.
cheers!
To begin with, at 33 years old, I am a mom of 3 beautiful children. It is kind of a love/exasperation relationship. Somedays I am so enraptured I can hardly make it through the day without crying with joy. Other days I cry out for deliverance from my crazy, out of control life. I have a hard time not having control. I think it must be a struggle that all moms deal with. Honestly, where is the fun in life if you are in control all the time?
OK- getting back to the basics here.... I live in Tulsa, OK and am happily married to a beautiful, beautiful man. We moved here 3 years ago from Seattle, WA and I think I left part of my heart there. I have felt a lonely ache for "home" since our departure. Life just seemed real and genuine there. That isn't to say it was perfect or easy- NO way! It was very difficult a lot of the time. But it grew us and stretched us and opened our eyes to our world.
I have been married 10 years now. Mr T says we are like bacteria- we keep multiplying. I think we have stopped that now and are so happy with our little family.
From the outside in, my life is pretty perfect. I live in the U.S. which is a big plus. I enjoy freedoms, leisure, variety, faith, and food. But from the inside out, I have lost myself along the way. Some days I just feel totally desolate, like a wanderer who can't remember home. Where did I go? Who am I? What is my life about?
I think as I have watched many of my friends enter the life of blogging, and have read their real life stories only told honestly in the world of the web, it has inspired me to take my search and blog it out. Soul search online. I am anonymous and me all at the same time.
So here it is...first things first. I have no ideas, I am stumped. BUT I am going to figure it out... this is my first step.
cheers!
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