another day

just another day in my life. I have been thinking so much lately about the misfortunes of my friends. Why do these downers always come in multiples? I do not understand all the ins and outs of their issues and trials, but I know they don't deserve this unfair fight.
I think the emptiness I feel right now is in some ways related to the issues of friends, the pain and discomfort of loved ones, and my own baggage that follows me through my days. I don't have an outlet to sweat out the small things so they become monsters lurking in dark corners, waiting for the mood to take a dive and then pounce on the downward spiral. Why these huge gaps in my personality? Where did the skeletons come from? Why do I always beat myself up and feel dissatisfied with who I am and who I am not?

My eldest has so many questions about everything. Some of them are tiring, but a lot of them astound me!
Where does Jesus live?
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?
How can you be everywhere?
Why did you harden Pharoah's heart and then punish him for disobeying your commands? Will you kill me if my mommy disobeys like you killed Pharoah's boy?
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything…

Simply Jesus- what does that little catch phrase mean anyway??
Jesus- a powerful name with an even more powerful associated imagery. As I think about think this today, I imagined the heavens opening up and Jesus calling me to him. What would I say to him if I could see him face to face? Jesus… who knows me inside and out. Who knows my motivations, my thoughts, my heart aches, worries, joys, and my insecurities. He sees beneath the layers I put up to protect myself. He would strip me instantly down to the core- leaving me open and vulnerable, with no place to hide- but no need to hide either. I can be completely authentic with Him with no fear of being hurt. Surrounded by his glory, what would my heart feel? Would I dance or in awe of him be still? Would I stand in his presence or would I fall to my knees? Would I have my wits about me enough to join in with the angels and sing hallelujah- would I be able to speak at all?
I know that I have questions tucked down that I would like to whip out at the appropriate moment. I will share a few of my own thoughts and some I have borrowed… these may not apply to you at all- you might imagine this scenario completely different. You may have anger to bring to Jesus- or hurt, unbelief, failure, guilt, resentment, joy, relief. But here are a few of my thoughts and questions...

Why do so few of the millions of prayers for physical healing get answered?

Why do you allow children to be hurt? Why are they born with illnesses and physical disabilities? Why is my brother mentally disabled and not me?

Why are there so many unwanted babies when there are so many desperate people praying for pregnancies?

I’ve heard a lot of “theories” on the whole fossil thing and evolution. Did you put all this evidence here to confuse us? If so, why?

Why are so many bad people blessed financially?

Why did you give men a life-long desire for beautiful women? Is it just a test of our will and monogamy? Why do 20 year olds desire the same voluptuous women of childbearing age as 30,40,50, and 100-year-old men? Was it to ensure the propagation of the human race? But, doesn’t this cause men to stray and covet thy neighbor’s wife?

What about genocide? Why do you allow innocent people to die these horrific deaths?

Why do you let your faithful servants suffer?

What about the Hindus? The Muslims? The Buddhists? Why was I so lucky to born in America’s Bible Belt to grow up in church and know you before I even had a choice?

Where are you when I look for you? Why can’t I see you clearly when I am seeking to know you more? You promised that if I seek I will find…

How can you hear so many prayers at once? And do you really care if my car is broken down, I have lost my job, I am upset over a relationship when there is persecution and war going on in other parts of the world? My troubles must seem so insignificant to you- am I just wasting my breath?

What do you want with me? A sinner such as me?

I confess to you that I am unworthy. I am so very sinful that I am shamed. I am so often struggling with unbelief that I don’t feel like I should be allowed in your presence. Do you laugh at me as I laugh at my child's behavior? If you know the inner secrets of my heart; is your heart broken over my feelings of guilt and incompetency? Are you tired of me asking for another chance? I feel like you must be frustrated with me… I can only beg for mercy and grace- both of which I know you have granted before I thought to ask. Jesus, please allow me to see your nail scarred hands. Please let me know that you love me for who I am and not for who I might become. Thank you Lord for your forgiveness- washing before me. Jesus, you are my heartache healer, my secret keeper, my friend… shepherd, savior, pasture maker, Creator and life sustainer, comforter, healer, my redeemer, lord and king, beginning and the end.

I have to imagine that I would feel that it would be better to see the Lion, our Lord, and die than to be the King of the world and live and not to have seen Him.
I imagine that He would breathe upon me and take away the trembling from my limbs and cause me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he wouldn’t say much but that we should meet again, and I must go further up and further in….

But not today. On this day, I can only say the words and go through the motions. I am numb. I am alone. I wonder where You are and realize I have disregarded my faith and become wrapped in my own troubles and sorrows. I am going at it alone. Why do I choose this? Why can't I let myself go and believe? What would happen if I did?
I don't know. All I know is: I can't today.