In the world there is so much joy and sorrow it feels crushing sometimes. How do you grieve over tragedy and celebrate new life all at once? It is overwhelming to have your heart split down the middle. Don't get me wrong... I need a good cry, a purge of sorts, every so often. It feels so good to cry it all out. It cleanses and frees me. And God knows I love to laugh. I love the gut-wrenching, head ache-inducing, hysterical laugh and I don't have enough of those. It's the mix of crazy laughing and uncontrollable weeping that brings me to my knees and catches me off guard- when suddenly I don't know what I am feeling or why I am curled up in a ball.
In many ways, my life has slowed down- or rather paced itself lately. I get up and know what my day will look like and although I don't have enough time for everything, I at least have a plan. It feels good to be out of limbo land and into goal setting mode.
I have a new job. It is so nice to be able to go into work and do something I feel successful at and that I enjoy the people I am with 9 hours of the day. I wish I was making music instead of building walls, but the newness makes me excited. I feel valued and it satisfies a part of me that needs a sense of accomplishment.
I have come to a peace with God lately. I am dwelling on scripture more often and raising my hands over his goodness. My baby is healthy and well. My husband is happy and loving. My bills are paid and I am content. I am slowly letting go of things that need to go and trying to focus more on what's slipping away that needs to be taken hold of.
I am one of "those people" who often flip to the end of a book to read the last paragraph to know that all the characters are still alive... and I am the same with my own life. How often do I say and think, "if I could just see us a year from now, 5 years from now!" But it's in the looking over your shoulder that you see the obvious footprint of God and the powerful hand that carries. He has listened to me rant and scream and weep until I was silenced.
I look back over the last year and realize with certainty that I was deeply depressed. I had sunk into a pit and with my fingernails, clawed my way out. There were moments on the way up that a hand of a friend would give me loving push. I think those friends would actually qualify as angels- small bits of light that kept me moving up and out. I have been humbled as I bargained. My eyes were veiled as I tried to see the future. God allowed what I could handle. Jesus comforted and gave grace to cover my hopelessness. I am walking with my head up, my eyes opened, marveling at the mercies, however small, in my every day.
I marvel over the bodies of my babies. They are beautiful. Their skin is sweet and soft. Their eyes clear and bright. Their minds are brilliant sponges, soaking up our world and seeing their maker in the dandelions. Their hearts are pure and forgiving. Thank you God for my precious ones that remind me of your love and call.
And now I dance in the rain and sing Your praises. Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord! The Lord I will obey. Help me. I don't know the way. Holy is the Lord!
