update

so many things have happened in the last month. Back from Scotland. wonderful.
completed my first craft show. exhausting. and now I am out at my in-laws house as they have left the country and we are the hired house sitters. very official.

I have been crafting and crafting and as I work, my mind spins. lots to say. my spirit is weary, but in a good way. I have been creating and working and while my fingers are busy, my back aching, I am thinking through what my spirit is whispering in my heart.

I have been brought to my knees many times this last month, over joy and sadness. There is a lot of both out there, swirling and sloshing about. I think of my own sorrows and how it is rooted itself in my thoughts and moods. There are many dark days, filled with unknowns and doubts. I think of what prayers have been offered and what tears have spilled down my cheeks and I wonder where God is when I need Him. So many people have so many opinions: foods to avoid, supplements to take, scriptures to post all through my house and say aloud over Jack; prayers to pray and saints to hang in his room. Thanks for all the advice. But really, I am weary of it. It just adds to my frustration and feelings of guilt. What have I done or not done that would have brought healing to my baby? I know people mean well, but it seems absurd to me to offer advice like this to a mother who has prayed the prayers and read the scriptures and already wonders why I don't hear answers and see wholeness. There are times I wonder if his troubles and God's lack of intervention in the way I request is a test for me, or a punishment. My sins have fallen on my child, unfairly.
This situation recalls the feelings I had growing up. I heard that that my salvation isn't a result of my good works, yet I lived in mortal fear of damnation because of my imperfections. As if my salvation would be yanked from me because I ran a stop sign or called my sister a name. That because I made a screw up, God was just waiting to pounce and throw me into the fire. That I would be punished, even today, for my sins committed yesterday. And if I could pull myself together and live blamelessly, I would be granted favor and rewards.
enough of this for now.

Jack is doing better. He is walking. He is running and he is jumping. He tires on long walks and his feet are stiff in the evenings. He is still highly medicated. He still needs prayers, reminding God of a precious, blonde-headed pistol who needs his body freed from arthritis.