forgive me

I have returned, somewhat suddenly, to the self-loathing state. I jumped into it following a situation where I totally screwed up. I admit this- I am at fault. I messed up. I take the blame and I have been feeling ugly ever since.

I have this problem. If I feel like someone is or has been mad at me, I shut down. It's not a choice on my part- it's automatic. I can't stand it. So knowing that I disappointed someone or hurt their feelings and made them upset with me, kills me. Literally, little pieces of me die off; I think 'wither' would be the correct word. And although I know this friend says she has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself. I was stupid and thoughtless and I made an ass of myself and it's hard to get over. Our friendship will be different now, I know it. I can feel it. And our other friends who know about it- I think it will be different with them too. I feel like they are mad at me and don't trust me either. They will look at me through different eyes and see something I never wanted to be.

I may have invented this whole world of hurt, but it's the world I live in today. So I will retreat in to busyness and projects and kids. I will emerge in a few weeks and hopefully be able to do my part to restore and resume my relationships. But for now, I need space to wallow in the pit I created.

Last week I spent the day with one of my dearest friends. It was a day of celebration and a close to a perfect day. It was bright and beautiful and we ate delicious food and laughed and talked and sat on the porch swing and watched the girls giggle and bounce on the trampoline. We cooked and the smell of bread filled the house. I love any time I spend with her, but this day was particularly good. We seamlessly move from talk of tomatoes and plants to deep, life lessons. She said that she thinks I am her spirit child... and I hang on to that compliment and all it implies. I am so unconditionally loved and accepted by her and it feels so, so good. When I try to imagine the love that God has for me, I think of her love as a tangible example.

She told me a story about two little boys on an airplane. They didn't know each other, but as all kids do, they immediately started talking and playing. Near the end of the flight, one of the boys said, "Hey, I have an idea. Let's be friends." The other replied, "how do we do that?" The first boy said, "It's simple. First we spend time together and then we tell each other secrets."
I think these kids have already figured out a lot about life and relationships. I love it.

When my friend finished telling me the story of the two boys, she shared what this interaction meant to her regarding her relationship with God- the spending time together and telling God the secrets of her heart. There is a sweetness to this message, like honey after a fast. It seems simple.

I don't know how all this relates, but somewhere, in the self-inflicted gloom of my spirit, it does. I am in the process of weaving and knitting and piecing it all together. And until I figure it out, I hope my friend is patient and understands that it's just me. It's hard work to forgive myself.