waiting for life

waiting, waiting, waiting. I am in a holding pattern. I am currently waiting around for my close friend's baby to be born. Everyday, several times a day, I check my phone to make sure I haven't missed her call telling me to head to the hospital. I am anxious and excited- as if I am personally giving birth.
As I sit, becoming more impatient by the hour, I am acutely aware of my habit to live this way... always waiting. Waiting to live until I am thinner, until my kids are older, until I have given up sugar and white flour and caffiene. Waiting until I am debt free, until I live somewhere else, until I have my anger under control. I am waiting until I own my own business, and until my house sells. I am waiting until I can go on a vacation. In the meantime, life is swirling past me at a rate incalculable, and I am still here feeling undone.
In way I wish I could start over. I wish I could return to a time of innocence and freedom. Perhaps if I could even revisit my college days and start from there. Or what about six years ago, before I had kids? I have no idea what I was doing then, except the same thing- waiting for life to be different. Does anyone know how to live? Truly drink in life with every part and parcel of their being? It is a mystery... or is it just a habit, I can't decide? I feel that I can make the choice to try to "live" today. But then the old feelings creep in ever so stealthily until they just barge in and park at my kitchen table.

I guess I am looking for life. Where does it begin? When does it end? Is the show over already since I haven't ever learned how to cash in?
The miracle of life isn't necessarily in conception or the lungs filling with first breath. For me, the miracle of life would be figuring out how to live so that everyone, and most importantly me, would know that I am full. I am overflowing I am so full. I am infecting others with joy and laughter, with peace and prosperity. I want to make a mark on this planet and have a legacy of love and forgiveness.

I will not sit by and let my life be ordinary any longer. I want more. There must be more to life...