I just finished a great book- The Secret Life of Bees. There was a line of particular interest- "It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening." I have been feeling unwell for days on end now and in my semi-conscious moments I would hear my family and all the chaos still going while I was under the covers, hiding, hoping I'd been forgotten. I thought about what was going on in my neighbors' houses and what my friends were doing. Life just goes on, even when it's in "pause-mode" for me.
On bad days, when I feel totally engulfed in sadness for my baby, I feel a selfishness and self-centered anger at the world for continuing when I am lost. I am mixed with jealousy and hurt that I have a sick baby and no one understands my life. I am alone on this planet and the unfairness of life steals my joy.
I was sitting in a restaurant last week and doing something I love- people watching. I saw over in the corner a man and woman deep in conversation. I felt like an intruder watching them discuss whatever it was that was so engrossing. Then I saw the woman begin to cry. It was so private and yet I couldn't look away. I feel ashamed of myself for letting curiousity take over- that I would lose all sense of decorum. I have no ideas as to what was being discussed- news of a death, the breaking of relationship, argument over money or kids... who knows. But I was getting a glimpse and reminder of this world full of life and joy and hurt. I was witnessing a sacred moment of true emotions and heart and I felt more alive when I left the table.
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1 comment:
I am so glad you were finally able to read that book, it is pretty great. You must read my sisters keeper soon!!
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