I'm back

in so many ways.

I am back to the blog- oh how I have missed you.

We are back from a whirlwind trip to the Shriners Children's Hospital in St Louis. Although it can be grueling to sit in the car with a cranky two year old for 16 hours over two days, every mile was worth it to receive a good report. Finally the Baby Jack is responding favorably to his medications. Finally.

We went back to church. In all honesty, the fireman and I were shamed in to it. We have been on a church hiatus for about 6 months, although mentally I checked out over a year ago. I had too much rolling inside of me that all I could do was take a break with hopes that time and distance would take away feelings. My two little girls have been asking for church for weeks, nagging at us to go back. You can only push them away so long before it gets ridiculous. So after a long conversation with them, we started back. Thankfully, I feel better now so the transition is easier.

Lately I have felt like there has been this huge hand on me, guiding me. I don't feel it in the moment, but when I lay down at night and close my eyes, I realize what's been going on. It's like I am a drunk, trying to walk the line, and a friend is beside me, pushing me back on to the line when I fumble and fall over.
I was just reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Interesting read. I think my favorite line was, "God dwells within you, as you." She goes on to explain, "God dwells within you as you yourself, exactly the way you are. God isn't interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves. We all seem to have this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of charatcter, that we have to renounce our individuality." When the fireman and I go on road trips I always find myself reading aloud. When I got to this part, I was greatly moved. It lead us into a lengthy discussion as to why I found so much truth and meaning in these simple sentences.
For me, always grasping and comparing, measuring and coming up inadequate, I saw that God is not calling me to change my character, my weirdness, my passionate nature. God created me, as me. He asks that I remain true to my nature, living out the best within me in generousity, compassion, and love. He isn't asking me to become something totally different than who I am. Sometimes I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a circle- and it never works out... and all I feel is frustration. But this is some cooky circle I conjured up for myself. I have this list of who I think I should be: a list of the best of the best- pulling from people I know and admire. And I constantly measure myself against others and this crazy, out of control list. And guess what? I never measure up.
So reading this helped me cut myself a break. I have to believe that God takes great delight in me when I am living as me. He created me while I was in my mother's womb and set aside each day for me before even one of them came to be. He chose the angels to be birthed from my body- He chose me to be their mommy. He orchestrated my years and months and weeks and moments. He brought treasured friends to hold me up and push me on. Yes, I think He rolls His eyes at my quirks. And He has to just want to "huck me out the window" sometimes in exasperation. But, at the end of the day, He does quiet me with His love and sing over me while I sleep. Me, as me.

If God had wanted me to be everything on my perfect list, He would have made me this way. "Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein." So as EG says, "It doesn't mean I can't improve myself as a human being, honing my virtues and working daily to minimize vices" But instead of trying to fit myself in to some hole I wasn't created to fill, I need to work on my habits and alter some aspects of who I already am for the better- working within my personality- not the personalities of everyone I know and the stupid list. God must feel insulted sometimes at my ingratitude and self importance. As the most perfect and holy artist, to have me, trying to redo His whole picture.

So I am back to reality... or so it seems.