where to start

I guess I need to be depressed to blog. I have to have something in my guts to spew forth onto the paper, or rather, the keyboard. As it is, I am swimming through each day at an incomprehensible speed and have very little to consider outside of family and work obligations. I have lost touch with almost everyone and I feel lonely. I am in an in-between spot and it's squeezing me just enough to make me edgy and a little apprehensive. I feel like I am verging on panic some days and I have no idea why except that my days are running through my fingers like sand and I want to bottle it up but can't find a container.

I am back to the old question of "what am I doing with my life?" I think I was dwelling on this same subject a year ago and that's how this blog was born. And a year later I am still wondering and wandering through my life with unresolved feelings and a map without a destination. I am hopeless and hopeful all at once. I am squished in this life- like I am wearing a shoe that's squeezing my toes too tight. Obligations and expectations pull and push and weigh heavy on my mind and heart. I listen for God's voice, wishing it were easier to hear- like tuning to a radio station or reaching for the volume knob.

I am exsisting in a precarious balance of joy and sadness, of contentment and yearning, of warm and cold, light and dark. I ache to get my feet muddy and feel the sun on my back. I need time with friends and I need to laugh more. Days are turning into months and I look back and see nothing has changed and everything is changing. My children shoot up inches and gray hairs keep sprouting. My checking account is still empty and all I have is pipe dreams.

I was talking to a friend tonight... someone who always grounds me and pulls me back to the little core I have. I think her eyes see my heart easier than I do most days. She was talking about the rhythm of the seasons and how winter pulls us in and calms us. It makes us slow down and fatten up. We drink more hot chocolate and listen to fires crackle and dance. We hunker down and wait for the darkness to turn magically into a spring day... suddenly and fresh. It's a cycle to enjoy and relax in to. To anticipate. This time of year stirs and shakes me. It stares me in the face. I rise in the darkness and the darkness and hopelessness makes itself at home inside of me. I am stagnant and stale. Tired and restless. Busy and detached. I am raw. I am cold. I am directionless.

I guess this is how I cycle through the dark winter season.

I ask:

Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing with this life of mine?