I am not a leftover girl. I have never liked to eat leftovers. I would just a soon let them rot or trash them. I can't explain it- it's just me.
Lately I have felt like all I have is leftovers in my life. I eat left overs all the time, forcing my palate and stomach to accept them in gratitude. But besides food and moving into life, I have what looks and feels and smells like leftovers. I snatch at crumbs in my relationships and schedule. The fireman and I pass in the hallway and often it just feels like we hardly know each other and we are amiable room mates. I get what's leftover after he spends himself at work, with the kids, in the garden, and worrying about all the things to worry about. Most of my girlfriends have kids so the little energy they have when the day is over doesn't amount to much. We all seem to run until we have run out.
I give myself leftovers. I allow my best to be sucked away from me and when the lights go down and the clock hits nine, the energy leftover from the day is spent brushing my teeth and crawling into bed. I have not been reading or writing like usual. I haven't been on the phone keeping up with friends. I haven't been trying new recipes or enjoying the way the sun feels when it hits my skin and warms my insides.
I have been crying. I have been crying a lot. I cry for myself and the mystery of who I am and am not. I have emptied my heart and eyes so often in the last month that I feel like there is nothing left to cry out or about. I have cried in frustration and anger. I have cried because of fear and feelings of abandonment. I cry because I feel taken advantage of and unappreciated and misunderstoood. I cry because I am too tired to give my best. I cry over spilled milk and grocery bills. I cry for my friends and their worries and cry because I feel helpless. I cry because I am lonely and because I am too busy. I cry because I miss seeing mountains and riding buses. I cry in anxiety and stress. I feel so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I am paralyzed to begin.
I am crying over leftovers. Leftovers are just not enough to sustain and satisfy me. I need more and want more. As one of my girlfriends says, "I am a quality-time kind of girl. If you spend quality time with me, you will know me." That's me too.
I want to be bumped up on the priority list. I am tired of leftovers. Give me some good stuff.
4 comments:
We must do dinner soon...even if it is just to help you polish off some leftovers!. BTW...loved the peach tart!!
~Clay
Amy, I love love love your writing style, and most of all I love what you say. I hope you don't mind me reading your blog.
I enjoyed talking with you when you were here last month.
You are missed and thought about often up here in the Great NW.
Amy - Autumn here. Our family misses you very much and remembers how well you helped raise 3 kids under the age of 2, kept house, cooked fabulous meals, did crafts, had energy for family and friends, all while pregnant. I am sorry to hear about the tough times you are going through now. Chris is leaving again for another year and everyday while I was looking for help, I thought about how lucky we were to have you the first time. I wish you still lived here. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Amy, you are so much more than you give yourself credit for! Girlfriend, I have been in that dark place lately feeling alone here in AZ(although different from your situation naturally)
I think that just by the act of singing or painting, or letting the your special brand of Amy magic out, you will fool yourself into feeling better. You are powerful! Even when you are feeling invisible remember I see you. . .!
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