busy signal

I remember a good friend threatening never to call me again if didn't buck it up and get call waiting. She couldn't stand ever present busy signal.

My life has spiraled into busy signal lately. Since returning from our trip, we have been on fast-forward speed.
Here's what's been going on (and excuse me, this will be a run-on):
we are in our fourth week of homeschooling;
our house is still on the market and although I fail miserably most of the time, I try very hard to keep it tidy and clean on a daily, almost moment by moment basis;
I have been canning... peach preserves, blackberry jam, pears, and applesauce and baking bread;
sewing;
preparing for our consignment sale- a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE task,
trying to pull my head together into a gameplan/lesson plan for the art class I am teaching at the end of September;
walking and running faithfully;
going to bed early because I get up at the crack;
cleaning out;
celebrating birthdays;
cooking and cleaning the kitchen, cooking and cleaning the kitchen, cooking and cleaning the kitchen;
and tackling the ever present laundry pile.

What I have not been doing:
blogging,
reading my favorite blogs,
talking on the phone and keeping touch with people,
remembering birthdays,
answering emails in a timely manner,
reading,
picking my tomatoes or watering my garden,
sudoku,
singing,
watching TV (except for Olympic gymnastics),
spending time with friends.

In 17 days I am leaving for Scotland. A trip over seas to spend 10 days with my dearest friend, Rachael. I am giddy with excitement to think I will finally see her house, her baby boy, her life. I haven't been to visit since 2002. Thank you for the gift of time and generous ticket to get away.
Thank you to my sweet fireman for being willing to let me fly away from our nest to a fairy land, far away. I will hate to see it all without you and the kids.

I will enjoy being alone.

Changing subjects now...

I laid in my bed the eve of my last birthday. I cried myself to sleep, swearing to myself, that I would not let another birthday come and go and I would still feel miserable in my skin.
My neighbor and sweet friend and hairdresser, fellow canner and baker, sharer of groceries and garden tips, also became my walking partner, my alarm clock, and in a way, my conscience and accountability partner on this quest for health and contentment with my body. We have been kicking each other out of bed for the last 4 months at all hours of the early morning. Pardon my crass-ness, but as my cousin would say, "it's not the crack of dawn, it's the butt crack of dawn!" And I would have to agree. I am not always Miss Sunshine when we are negotiating wake up times. I try to squeeze every last minute out of her.
Together we have pushed our bodies and helped kick the habit of over-eating and over-indulgence. (OK, as I was writing this I realized what time it was and just called and made our appointment- AND and loser friend that I am, I woke her up. Poor D. I am so sorry for waking you! please don't leave without me!!)
So thank you friend, for working with me. I push and shove and you tell me to buck up when I whine too much. Thank you for giving me a hard time when I eat the bad stuff and for being honest when I ask if my pants are too tight.
So my birthday is still four months away and I have definitely made changes. I am 20 lbs lighter. I am wearing clothes I haven't been able to fit my big fat toe into in over six years. I am a cup size smaller... that's huge. I still have chronic back pain but I think that has nothing to do with weight- more with three back-labor babies.
The scale is stuck for now. I am hovering on the dreaded plateau. But I know I will break through and out of it soon. I can. I will. I must. I want to revel in this new body- and I will.... when 5 more pounds melt away.

I have been thinking of the disconnect I allow myself. The disconnect happens in my heart and creeps into my mind. I push away the hurts and eat myself through them. I shove down the feelings and buy bigger sizes. I stuff my mouth and tummy to take away the emptiness. And I feel relieved for a moment.
I think we all struggle with areas of disconnect. What I mean is this: We go numb. We beat ourselves up over stuff. We live in a state of perpetual regret until we just take the phone off the hook and walk away from our lives. We stop thinking and stop living in the teeny, tiny, private moments.
Don't lose yourself over things. Don't disconnect. BUT don't put yourself out there in situations that influence you to make a big mistake of the whole weekend, the whole whole night, the whole meal. If you are having an issue with saying no to something then just back off and don't go until you feel like you are confident in your ability to say it out loud.
As for the waking up and feeling stupid and regretful, move on. There is something to say for repentance, sure. I think you need to think of life as one series of choices.... and to grow in wisdom you must begin using the beautiful, extraordinary brain that God gave you to make right choices about stuff- ONE choice at a time. Just because you made a bad choice last night, or the night before, or a year ago doesn't mean that you are destined to be screwed up. What is that fabulous thing my friend always says? "your mistakes don't define you" (I will amend that with "unless you allow them to".) I am in control and need to make healthy choices- but just one at a time. If I choose to flagrantly and knowingly, living in the moment, make a wrong or unhealthy choice, so be it... just so that I am making that choice from my gut. Then why regret it? I am making the decision knowing the consequences. I know I am making a wrong or unhealthy choice. This is living. This is staying connected. This is knowing myself- with all of my flaws and ticks and shadows and beauty spots. It's the coasting through the days, the seasons, my life- allowing myself to just "get by". These are the days. Don't shut off your thinking brain, your conscience, your heart. Don't disconnect and allow yours mind and heart to flat line with a busy signal of regret. That is a terrible and tragic waste of beauty and truth.

Thank you friends, who push me to stay connected. Thank you for being persistent and seeing through my excuses. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for telling me to quit being a baby and buck it up. Thank you.