my love

When I think about the love I feel for my children I get choked up. My heart can't help but swell so tight the overflow comes out from my eyes. I would be lost without them. I wouldn't know what true love is.

And this is the hard part.

I try to imagine what they will be like when they grow up and what I will be like when I grow up. I pray that they will make right decisions and good choices. I want their mistakes to be few and inconsequential. I want their lifestyles to be vibrant and rich and full. I don't want them to have to struggle through tough times and heartbreaks. I want to know that they will be safe, always, and completely loved. I want to put them in a bubble. I want to freeze time.

But I can't know or do any of this. I can love them and teach them and train them the best that I can and that's all. My prayers will be offered and my songs sung over them. But life will whisk them away and the only thing left will be our heartstrings and memories.

As they grow and I watch them fall, I will grieve. There is nothing that would make my heart stop loving them. Nothing. Not even for a moment. These are my babies, my gifts, my angels. I will ache when I know they hurt. When they distance themselves from me, I will hurt. I will wonder if I missed something along the way- didn't seize a moment? missed a life lesson? forgot to tell them how much I love them? Because I am human, I will internalize and feel guilt when their life doesn't go the way I had dreamed.

I hope I will be able to gracefully let go. I hope that they will never be afraid of me. I want them near me always and even closer emotionally. I want honesty and openness and acceptance and security to flow back and forth.

My precious ones. Pieces of my heart taken without reservation or choice and walking around in this world. I am amazed by their beauty and intellect. I am overwhelmed by their drama and noise. I love their innocence and creativity and energy.

My babies.