Holy is the Lord

In the world there is so much joy and sorrow it feels crushing sometimes. How do you grieve over tragedy and celebrate new life all at once? It is overwhelming to have your heart split down the middle. Don't get me wrong... I need a good cry, a purge of sorts, every so often. It feels so good to cry it all out. It cleanses and frees me. And God knows I love to laugh. I love the gut-wrenching, head ache-inducing, hysterical laugh and I don't have enough of those. It's the mix of crazy laughing and uncontrollable weeping that brings me to my knees and catches me off guard- when suddenly I don't know what I am feeling or why I am curled up in a ball.
In many ways, my life has slowed down- or rather paced itself lately. I get up and know what my day will look like and although I don't have enough time for everything, I at least have a plan. It feels good to be out of limbo land and into goal setting mode.
I have a new job. It is so nice to be able to go into work and do something I feel successful at and that I enjoy the people I am with 9 hours of the day. I wish I was making music instead of building walls, but the newness makes me excited. I feel valued and it satisfies a part of me that needs a sense of accomplishment.

I have come to a peace with God lately. I am dwelling on scripture more often and raising my hands over his goodness. My baby is healthy and well. My husband is happy and loving. My bills are paid and I am content. I am slowly letting go of things that need to go and trying to focus more on what's slipping away that needs to be taken hold of.

I am one of "those people" who often flip to the end of a book to read the last paragraph to know that all the characters are still alive... and I am the same with my own life. How often do I say and think, "if I could just see us a year from now, 5 years from now!" But it's in the looking over your shoulder that you see the obvious footprint of God and the powerful hand that carries. He has listened to me rant and scream and weep until I was silenced.
I look back over the last year and realize with certainty that I was deeply depressed. I had sunk into a pit and with my fingernails, clawed my way out. There were moments on the way up that a hand of a friend would give me loving push. I think those friends would actually qualify as angels- small bits of light that kept me moving up and out. I have been humbled as I bargained. My eyes were veiled as I tried to see the future. God allowed what I could handle. Jesus comforted and gave grace to cover my hopelessness. I am walking with my head up, my eyes opened, marveling at the mercies, however small, in my every day.
I marvel over the bodies of my babies. They are beautiful. Their skin is sweet and soft. Their eyes clear and bright. Their minds are brilliant sponges, soaking up our world and seeing their maker in the dandelions. Their hearts are pure and forgiving. Thank you God for my precious ones that remind me of your love and call.
And now I dance in the rain and sing Your praises. Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord! The Lord I will obey. Help me. I don't know the way. Holy is the Lord!

soccer ball

come for me

Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,

And you’ll come for me


Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

Come for me

By Charlie Hall

These lyrics are ringing through me these exhausting days. Jesus, I am so tired. Fill me with music and melody and song and life. Send joy and relief my way.
Come and let me fly.

where to start

I guess I need to be depressed to blog. I have to have something in my guts to spew forth onto the paper, or rather, the keyboard. As it is, I am swimming through each day at an incomprehensible speed and have very little to consider outside of family and work obligations. I have lost touch with almost everyone and I feel lonely. I am in an in-between spot and it's squeezing me just enough to make me edgy and a little apprehensive. I feel like I am verging on panic some days and I have no idea why except that my days are running through my fingers like sand and I want to bottle it up but can't find a container.

I am back to the old question of "what am I doing with my life?" I think I was dwelling on this same subject a year ago and that's how this blog was born. And a year later I am still wondering and wandering through my life with unresolved feelings and a map without a destination. I am hopeless and hopeful all at once. I am squished in this life- like I am wearing a shoe that's squeezing my toes too tight. Obligations and expectations pull and push and weigh heavy on my mind and heart. I listen for God's voice, wishing it were easier to hear- like tuning to a radio station or reaching for the volume knob.

I am exsisting in a precarious balance of joy and sadness, of contentment and yearning, of warm and cold, light and dark. I ache to get my feet muddy and feel the sun on my back. I need time with friends and I need to laugh more. Days are turning into months and I look back and see nothing has changed and everything is changing. My children shoot up inches and gray hairs keep sprouting. My checking account is still empty and all I have is pipe dreams.

I was talking to a friend tonight... someone who always grounds me and pulls me back to the little core I have. I think her eyes see my heart easier than I do most days. She was talking about the rhythm of the seasons and how winter pulls us in and calms us. It makes us slow down and fatten up. We drink more hot chocolate and listen to fires crackle and dance. We hunker down and wait for the darkness to turn magically into a spring day... suddenly and fresh. It's a cycle to enjoy and relax in to. To anticipate. This time of year stirs and shakes me. It stares me in the face. I rise in the darkness and the darkness and hopelessness makes itself at home inside of me. I am stagnant and stale. Tired and restless. Busy and detached. I am raw. I am cold. I am directionless.

I guess this is how I cycle through the dark winter season.

I ask:

Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing with this life of mine?

time has been whizzing

and I mean WHIZZING by! I can't believe Christmas is around the corner! aaahhhh!

Besides all the normal things going on in this crazy house, I have been working a part time job at American Eagle, just down the street from our house. It is so convenient and if the weather was a tad warmer and I had a bike, I would totally be cycling to work. This job is to supplement our family income and allow me to finish paying for my sewing machine- that glorious machine I use every week. My list of "want to buy" items grows with each paycheck so I have to keep my head on.

This working thing though is tough. I am totally tired when I come home, even if it's only a four hour shift. It sucks the energy out of my very bones and when 6pm rolls around I am ready to hit the sack. The fireman seems to be coping well and enjoying hanging with the kids. They love their daddy and our situation seems to working quite well.

Our house is decorated for Christmas and now I am wondering how to create the magic. I remember Christmas in our house as kids and it seemed to be magical. Was mom baking all the time? Did we watch non stop Christmas movies? Was it the LP records spinning of Nat King Cole Christmas or Elvis?? Was it constant company and long lost relatives stopping by? What was the trick and am I creating magic for my kids?

This time of year can really bog me down. I realize that a love language for me is giving and receiving gifts. And with very little money set aside for giving, the magic isn't there for me. Instead I am worried and stressed. I am trying to figure out ways to make our little money spread. But we are paying for toilet guts and light bulbs, car repairs and medical bills instead of stocking stuffers. I am working on contentment and thankfulness.

I am also toying with starting up a business- a website for selling my crafty items. There are a few very big things I need in order to launch this business, so I am biding time and trying to work out logistics.

Nap time is here and now I am off to shower and get my home in some semblance of order.
Hope your day is warm and full of magic... whatever that is.

Photo Op

We totally took advantage of our friend, Holly, when she came to visit us in Nowheresville. It was so lovely and the weather couldn't have been nicer. And what's even better, she's a professional photographer. So here are some recent family photos of us.
Unbelievable, isn't it?
Thanks Holly.




sweet Poppy

Maggie


Jack-Jack

last day

last day here in nowheresville. I am so happy to be packing up to head home, although I know we will have so much to do this weekend. It's Halloween and we are partying with friends. It's also school day on Friday... big day. Calvin works on Saturday and we have an Open House on Sunday.
I can just see the house explosion about to happen. Bags everywhere, kids excited to pull out every toy they haven't seen in 3 weeks, no food to speak of. But I have packed clean clothes to go home with and we have a few left overs I think we will take along for the ride.

We have so many cool friends who are totally on the ball. I look and listen to their lives and feel like I have missed something along the way. People are so pulled together, financially stable, active, pursuing dreams and having fun. I feel like we are stuck in a rut so much of the time. Trying to get ahead and stay afloat in the meantime.

While pondering all of these things, I bake cookies. I have a new favorite recipe, Dark Chocolate Oatmeal. They are divine and I can hardly wait for them to cool before shovelling them into my mouth. I am an eater. I eat to feel happy or just better. I love chocolate and I love underbaked cookies. So today I am self-medicating.

Funny, how I am confessing this today of all days. This morning I had a long conversation (long in 4 year-old terms) with Poppy about "nervous eating". She had recently seen a preview for Chicken Little and she and her sister had been quoting two lines out of the trailer for days, cracking themselves up. I wondered if she understood what she was saying. And no, of course not. We talked about what it means to be a nervous eater, or drinker, or shopper, or anything that might replace God as our sustainer and comforter. She seems to get it more than I do (as I take another bite of chocolate deliciousness...)

Oh- and news flash**** Jack said four words together! A whole sentence!! Wow!!! I thought I would never hear the words!!!!! I quote him, "I saw a truck." Excellent. We are moving forward finally.

more cookies coming out, must run.